Tutors
by dooski
Summary: for someone that knows the show, it is a lot better picturing character voices. Two episodes featuring Brendon Small and the people he spends time with. Written in a play format.


**Episode 1**

_(Brendon's Mother has grounded him from using his camera since his grades are terrible in school..)_

**Scene 1**

**Brendon**: Hey, uh mom.

**Mom**: Yes

**Brendon**: Uh, I was, heh. I was wondering.

**Mom**: What is it, Brendon?

**Brendon**: What's what?

**Mom**: What you're asking me.

**Brendon**: Oh, yea. That. Well, see.

**Mom**: Are you in trouble, Brendon?

**Brendon**: No. Okay, I have to film a video for History class, to raise my grade, but in order to do that, I kind of need my camera.

**Mom**: No.

**Brendon**: Mom, come on

**Mom**: No, Brendon. Until your grade goes up, no video. No films.

**Brendon**: (_to himself_) Okay, looks like the world will have to wait to be saved while I raise my grade!

**Mom**: Did you say something?

**Scene 2**

**Lynch**: Okay, Brendon. Now, tell me something about Washington.

**Brendon**: Okay, that's where they do the cover ups.

**Lynch**: No, Brendon, the person Washington. His first name is George…!

**Brendon**: See, that's why my grade isn't that good. The questions are too vague. (_Covers eyes with hand_). Vague, I can't see. (_Removes hand_). You know what I mean?

**Lynch**: Brendon, where are you getting this stuff from?

**Brendon**: Oh, my tutor.

**Lynch**: Brendon, may I speak with your tutor.

**Brendon**: Oh, I don't know, he might not like that…

**Lynch**: Brendon, it's okay if you don't have a tutor, just tell the truth.

**Brendon**: Oh, I have a tutor.

**Lynch**: I'll give you extra credit if you have your tutor come in to see me tomorrow after school.

**Brendon**: Ha! Okay…. How much extra credit, by the way?

**Lynch**: a little

**Brendon**: Okay.

**Scene 3**

**Coach**: Hey, uh, is this Brendon's teacher's room? (_sees teacher._) Oh, you! No wonder he's failing!

**Lynch**: I think he's failing because of his tutor.

**Coach**: Wrong.

**Lynch**: Also, if you tell him you were wrong, he might start passing.

**Coach**: Wrong.

**Lynch**: First of all, there is no "Area 51"

**Coach**: Okay, excuse me. Brendon and I know the truth, we don't care if idiots like you remain stupid your whole lives.

**Lynch**: Why are you tutoring? Have you, Have you _been_ to college?

**Coach**: Yes

**Lynch**: Did you pass History?

**Coach**: Listen, in _real_ life, you don't dwell on the past, so my History grade? That's history. And History, is history, so what I want to know is why is it a subject?

**Lynch**: Okay, that, that just proves my point. You don't know anything about History.

**Coach**: I know that it's history, and at least I have a nose to know. (_author side note: cheap shot at the animation of Lynch, he appears to have no nose… just a mustache_)

**Lynch**: Knowledge and your nose have nothing to do with each other. _My_ brain is located inside my head, but maybe yours _is_ in your nose. It doesn't matter though, because we need to concentrate on Brendon.

**Coach**: Oh, yes, it does matter.

**Lynch**: Brendon is failing. He can pass if you tell him you were wrong.

**Coach**: Well, I'm leaving now. (_Leaves_)

**Scene 4**

**Coach**: Brendon, you didn't tell me your history teacher was the biggest idiot in the world.

**Brendon**: How much extra credit did I get?

**Coach**: We don't need to worry about extra _credit_, Brendon, we need to worry about extra _terrestrials_. You know, aliens.

**Brendon**: Okay, so am I passing yet?

**Coach**: Why yes, Brendon, I _have_ seen ET, but that's fake. Real aliens look just like us. In fact, I think your History teacher might be an alien.

**Scene 5**

(_Knock on door_)

**Coach**: What, whadyou want?

**Mail lady**: Here. It's a notice of legally enforced psychiatric sessions.

**Coach**: Wait, who sent this to me?

**Mail lady**: Enjoy!

**Coach**: (_dial phone #_) Okay, hi, Brendon?

**Mom**: Uh, no. He's studying for History now. Who is this?

**Coach**: Did he send me a legally enforced shrink session demand thing?

**Mom**: Considering that I don't know who you are I am going to say No, and hang up

**Coach**: Wait! Hello?

**Scene 6**

**Psychiatrist**: Hello! Coach McGuirk! Welcome! I care about your feelings

**Coach**: If you cared about my feelings, I wouldn't be here. The _only_ reason why I came is to find out who is behind this.

**Lynch**: (_comes in_). Am I late?

**Coach**: You! You… alien! You sent me here!

**Lynch**: Well, you need to realize what you are doing to Brendon's mind. So I got some help.

**Coach**: Wait, (_to psychiatrist_) You are on _his _side? (_says womanly and fast_) Omigod!

**Shrink**: No, I am an independent. Let's start by introducing ourselves. I am Doctor (_speaks a weird sound… sound like mumbling "nyeee"_)

**Lynch**: I am Mr. Lynch, Brendon's History teacher.

**Coach**: I am Coach McGuirk, Brendon's Coach, Mentor, Spiritual Guider, and Partial Father.

**Lynch**: You aren't his father

**Coach**: I said "partial"! "Partial" father.

**Shrink**: I have seen Brendon's father, and you are he. (_this is the same shrink that Brendon went to with his father_)

**Brendon**: (_Walks in_) Okay, why am I here? (_notices the shrink_). Oh no. Not you again.

**Shrink**: Hello, Brendon. I'm glad to see you recognize me.

**Lynch**: Okay, what about History?

**Shrink**: Feelings first, Mr. Lynch. Brendon, how are you and your father doing?

**Brendon**: Okay, you should know

**Shrink**: Ouch.

**Brendon**: that the reason I left was because I shouldn't have to

**Shrink**: Ouch.

**Brendon**: tell you anything.

**Shrink**: Okay, Brendon. I feel that it would be best if you talked about your feelings. Remember that?

**Brendon**: How long do I have to be here?

**Coach**: You? Brendon, what about me? I have a life!

**Lynch**: Do you?

**Brendon**: You should

**Shrink**: Ouch

**Brendon**: be quite. He's gonna tell us that we should

**Shrink**: Ow!

**Brendon**: not fight.

**Coach**: Ouch? What the hell, is something wrong with him? Should you

**Shrink**: Ouch

**Coach**: Okay, you really should

**Shrink**: Ouch

**Coach**: See a doctor.

**Shrink**: It hurts me when you make me feel such harshful words. No "should". Try, "I feel that it would be best if" instead of "should".

**Lynch**: Okay, now can we talk about History?

**Brendon**: History! Ga, what, is History now my life?

**Lynch**: Yes, Brendon. It is your life. And Coach McGuirk has something to tell you, don't you, Coach McGuirk?

**Coach**: Yea, he's an alien, and (_to Shrink_) he's a clone.

**Shrink**: Thank you, Coach, for including me in your fantasy.

**Lynch**: _Thank you_? He's damaging Brendon's mind! Ask Brendon a historical question.

**Shrink**: Okay, Brendon, when was the first time you cried?

**Coach**: Men don't cry. Aliens or clones might, but real men don't cry.

**Brendon**: Actually, I _have_ cried. When my mother wouldn't let me get a dog.

**Coach**: Brendon, omigod, where is your manhood?

**Shrink**: Okay, now do you feel emotionally that you are past this?

**Lynch**: This was supposed to be about History. Not feelings, corruption of the mind! Don't you have a doctorate in the human _mind_, not feelings?

**Shrink**: How can you say that! Okay, obviously, we need a moment of silence to think about our feelings. I'll be right back. (_leave_) (_the rest still there glaring_)

**Brendon**: Why did you bring me here!

**Lynch**: I'm sorry, I thought that it would help you.

**Coach**: Well it isn't helping. Okay, Mr. Ouch is an idiot.

**Brendon**: Maybe if we all pretend to care, he'll let us go early.

**Lynch**: Then, let's just be quiet and wait for him to come back.

(_Clock goes by 2 hours. Suddenly, the shrink rushes in the room looking paranoid_)

**Shrink**: (_flustered_) Well, that was refreshing, let's-

**Coach**: You forgot about us.

**Shrink**: What? No, I care about your-

**Brendon**: Feelings! We're _feeling_ rejected!

**Shrink**: Oh, I. I'm so sorry. You can stay an extra 4 hours to make it up.

**Lynch**: You should be ashamed of yourself. You're representing an entire field of study here, and you're failing. Just like Brendon.

**Coach**: See how strict he is? Sign this slip to legally state that Brendon gets an A in History.

**Shrink**: But that's immoral, and I really shouldn't…. ha! (_gasp_) What! What did I just say!

**Coach**: You're falling apart!- But sign this paper first.

**Shrink**: Okay, I will _really_ be right back. (_leaves_)

**Brendon**: I'm leaving. Can I pass History for going to this ridiculous Shrink?

**Lynch**: Yes, Brendon. I'm terribly soryr.

**Coach**: Hey, what about me?

**Lynch**: You are still a corrupting, stupid man. Don't listen to him, Brendon. He's poisoning your mind. Brendon? (_notice he's gone_). Oh, well, that's over with. I'm sorry, coach. Friends?

**Coach**: Not on your life.

**Scene 7**

**Shrink**: (_back_) Hello? Where is everybody? I was only gone 10 minutes! Oh. My. God. I have failed that kid! The next time I see him, I'm gonna save him from his emotional trauma!

_The End_

**Episode 2**

**Scene 1**

**Brendon**: Okay, Melissa, could you maybe, stand a little closer to Jason?

**Melissa**: Oh, yea, sure

**Jason**: Ha. Hi, Melissa.

**Brendon**: No, your line is "Where are you from"

**Melissa**: I am from France, where a dollar will get you somewhere!

**Brendon**: Wait, you have to the line (_to Jason_)

**Jason**: Isn't it "Franc"? Or "Euro"? A "Euro" will get you somewhere?

**Melissa**: I think so.

**Brendon**: Actually, it's "Euro-dollar", or something like that. Okay, let's try this. Action.

**Melissa**: Is this a table for two?

**Jason**: Yes. Where are you from?

**Melissa**: I am from France, where a dollar will get you somewhere!

**Jason**: You mean, Euro, right?

**Brendon**: Cut! Oh, boy. Lets… let's take a break.

**Melissa**: Brendon, I'm sick of this. I need a break.

**Brendon**: Well, we're on a break.

**Melissa**: No, I mean a _real_ break. A vacation.

**Brendon**: Well. You're fired.

**Melissa**: I don't work for you.

**Brendon**: I was kidding.

**Melissa**: I don't think you were

**Jason**: Hey, guys. Let's stop. (_pause_). Let's stop, okay! (_pause_). Maybe we should stop.

**Brendon**: You don't need to keep repeating yourself.

**Melissa**: Jason's right, let's stop. I need a break.

**Brendon**: Um, okay. We can go somewhere.

**Melissa**: Where?

**Jason**: The Pickle Factory

**Melissa**: What? That's kind of disgusting.

**Jason**: They're just pickles.

**Brendon**: Okay! The pickle factory it is!

**Scene 2**

**Mom**: Oh, no, I hate these parent teacher conferences. Why couldn't Brendon come along with me? (_teacher comes in_) Oh, hi, Mr. Lynch, I'm Paula, Brendon Small's mother.

**Lynch**: Hello, as you now, I'm his History teacher. Brendon's grade is currently "credit". Do you know what that means?

**Mom**: Yes, he's not failing.

**Lynch**: Well, he's barely passing. If it weren't for that psychiatrist visit, he'd be held back.

**Mom**: Brendon is passing, Mr. Lynch. Isn't that the goal here?

**Lynch**: The goal is to do your best.

**Mom**: Are you saying my standards aren't high enough?

**Lynch**: Not at all, I simply think that Brendon could do better.

**Mom**: Okay. What about his other classes?

**Lynch**: Pardon-?

**Mom**: History is not his only class. What's he getting in Literature?

**Lynch**: I have his grade card on file, if you insist. But what I'm really concerned with here is History. You see (_mom starts playing with things on his desk_) History is a very important subject. Some of our greatest moments are remembered in History.

**Mom**: Your desk lamp is burned out, maybe you should get that fixed.

**Lynch**: So the point is…

**Mom**: Excuse me, but aren't my 10 minutes up?

**Lynch**: What?

**Mom**: The parent-teacher conference. It's 10 minutes.

**Lynch**: Well, actually, we still have a few minutes.

**Mom**: Oh. Well, I have to go, a meeting to get to. If Brendon brings in a light bulb can you raise his grade?

**Lynch**: You can't _buy_ a grade.

**Mom**: Okay, well I really must be going.

**Scene 3**

**Brendon**: So, we're going to the pickle factory. I mean, is there even a pickle factory?

**Coach**: Brendon, factories are where everything is made. You were born in a factory.

**Brendon**: Actually, I was born in a hospital.

**Coach**: Haven't you ever heard of a "euphemism", Brendon?

**Brendon**: Well, yea.

**Coach**: "Cafeteria", soccer "game", "Mr." Lynch. They're all euphemisms.

**Brendon**: Okay, but I still have to go to this pickle factory.

**Coach**: You need to chill out, Brendon. I think you have a chronic stress syndrome.

**Brendon**: What-?

**Coach**: It's very serious.

**Brendon**: Actually, I'm just trying to talk about _me_ here, but you keep drifting the conversation to yourself.

**Coach**: That's not true, Brendon. I'm just relating my life to yours. See right now, in my life, I'm trying to buy a house, but I need a loan. Apparently, I have bad credit. Seems if you're an ex-con, you don't get a loan.

**Brendon**: Uh, huh. Okay, what does that have to do with pickles?

**Melissa**: Hey, Brendon, I need a sub. (_Brendon goes_)

**Coach**: (_calling_) It was great talking about _you_, Brendon!

**Scene 4**

**Brendon**: Can I go to the pickle factory?

**Mom**: Why.

**Brendon**: It's like a cheap vacation.

**Mom**: And…

**Brendon**: Melissa, well actually Jason, wants to go.

**Mom**: Okay. You can go.

**Brendon**: Thanks. Oh, guess what

**Mom**: Okay, Brendon. This is the part where you ask me about _my_ day. Okay, your teacher, has problems. His entire life is History! The man does not have an exciting bone in his body!

**Brendon**: Are bones exciting?

**Mom**: Not his, Brendon.

**Scene 5**

**Jason**: Where's the script?

**Melissa**: Yea, Brendon, what happened?

**Brendon**: We're going to the pickle factory, remember?

**Jason**: Who cares about pickles?

**Brendon**: You do! Melissa, the break, remember?

**Melissa**: I don't need a break anymore, Brendon.

**Brendon**: Well, that's just great, because now we _have_ to go to the pickle factory, because I don't have a script since I was planning on a break.

**Melissa**: Well, maybe Jason and I can think of something.

**Jason**: Let's sing about waves.

**Brendon**: Jason, we need a script here, not music. And besides, I don't have a microphone.

**Melissa**: And you forgot your camera.

**Brendon**: On purpose! (_all sigh_) So what do we do now?

**Scene 6**

**Coach**: Yes, I'm looking for a oan to get a house.

**Clerk**: Okay, now your name?

**Coach**: McGuirk.

**Clerk**: We have several McGuirks. What is your first name?

**Coach**: (_peeks at screen- points to name_) Jon. Jon McGuirk.

**Clerk**: Okay. (_clicks on file… looks shocked_). Um. You wait here while I get a check on this.

**Coach**: Thank you.

**Clerk**: (_comes back_) Mr. McGuirk, have a cup of coffee, on the house.

**Coach**: What, am I a millionaire?

**Clerk**: Haha. (_nervous_). Well, here's your coffee.

**Coach**: Well, thanks, that was good. I'll be back later to get my loan.

**Clerk**: Wait! (_looking frantic_) Stay! Uh, here's a neat crossword.

**Coach**: What? What is wrong with you? Oh, I get it. You like me.

**Clerk**: Don't be ridiculous.

**Coach**: Many women do. Look, I have a tattoo. (_Shows her his tattoo_)

**Clerk**: It's a cow.

**Coach**: Yes.

**Clerk**: A cow.

**Coach**: A new artist gave it to me for free. I was a test patient.

**Clerk**: Wow. A cow, I mean that is so manly.

**Coach**: Yea, well, I better be going.

**Clerk**: (_smiles_) Okay.

(_Coach goes to the door_)

**Cop**: Freeze! Jon McGuirk, you are under arrest! (_gets cuffs_)

**Coach**: What, what did I do?

(_Clerk and Cop burst out laughing_)

**Clerk**: Ha, ha! It's Cop Day, so we do that every once in a while!

**Coach**: What are you, nuts? You don't pretend to arrest people!

**Cop**: We do! Ha, ha, ha!

**Coach**: You pychos! (_leaves. Goes home. Turns on the tv_)

**Announcer**: And in other news, a crime spree is affecting the city. A prank pair of women have been pretending to arrest people for jokes. If anyone knows where to find these women, a reward of $500 will be given.

**Coach**: Tha's my loan! (_grabs phone_) Yea, I have information…. Come down? Sure.

**Scene 7**

**Brendon**: Here we are.

**Melissa**: Yep.

**Brendon**: It's clean. At least, it doesn't smell.

**Jason**: Okay. Scrip. "At the pickle factory, a strange occurrence… occurs. This occurring occurrence is-

**Melissa**: What?

**Brendon**: What, Jason?

**Jason**: Aliens. What do you think?

**Brendon**: We have only 3 people, how can we do an alien invation.

**Jason**: Duh, the pickles are aliens.

**Brendon**: Uh….

**Scene 8**

**Coach**: Yes, I have information.

**Police**: On what?

**Coach**: The prankster women.

**Police**: We got a tip 5 minutes ago.

**Coach**: From who! I was counting on that!

**Scene 9**

**Mom**: (_comes in_) Hi. I was hoping you wouldn't be here. I mean, I wouldn't want to disturb you.

**Lynch**: Not at all.

**Mom**: I lost my bracelet. Have you seen a red, medium-sized-

**Coach**: (_bursts in the room_) Lynch. Mr. Lynch. So, enjoy being a her?

**Lynch**: What are you talking about?

**Coach**: The prank, you stopped it. Where's the 500?

**Lynch**: I didn't ask for money, I was merely helping the citizens.

**Coach**: No money? Not even a buck!

**Teacher**: Don't you coach because you love children and soccer?

**Coach**: No, I coach for money.

**Lynch**: I already knew that. And you still don't have money, even though that's all you care about.

**Coach**: And what do you live in? A cardboard box with names of the presidents on the sides?

**Mom**: Um, hello? My bracelet, have you seen it?

**Lynch**: No, but please stay. We never really finished yesterday.

**Coach**: What, you two are dating? That's disgusting. This man has fleas.

**Mom**: I don't want to talk about Brendon again. He's 8. He doesn't need to worry.

**Lynch**: Coach McGuirk… you want money. And you're desperate.

**Coach**: Yes.

**Lynch**: Become a spy.

**Coach**: A spy?

**Lynch**: They get lots of money.

**Mom**: So, anyway, I'll be leaving now, it was nice talking to myself.

_the End_


End file.
